The Buddha famously said “admirable friendship,” or what I’m calling Dharma friendship, is the entirety of the holy life. In the last episode, I discussed the value and nature of personal Dharma friendships. In this episode, I talk about what makes a good Dharma friendship and offer some practical ideas about how to find, form, and maintain such relationships.
Quicklinks to Article Content:
Good Dharma Friendships: Mutual Goodwill
Good Dharma Friendships: Sharing and Keeping Confidences
Good Dharma Friendships: When Misfortune Strikes
Good Dharma Friendships: Learning from Each Other
Finding, Forming, and Maintaining Dharma Friendships
Good Dharma Friendships: Mutual Goodwill
What else, beyond a shared aspiration to practice, makes a good Dharma friendship? I think it’s incredibly valuable if we answer that question by thinking about what we offer in a Dharma friendship, rather than what we should “shop around for.” No matter how wonderful our Dharma friend, they will inevitably disappoint us at some point. That’s the nature of life and human relationships. We will disappoint others, too, of course. Rather than dwell on these deficiencies, we can return to the ideal of friendship and wholeheartedly offer it to others as best we can.
In the Mitta (Friend) Sutta, the Buddha said this:
Mitta Sutta: A Friend
“Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities is worth associating with. Which seven? He gives what is hard to give. He does what is hard to do. He endures what is hard to endure. He reveals his secrets to you. He keeps your secrets. When misfortunes strike, he doesn’t abandon you. When you’re down & out, he doesn’t look down on you. A friend endowed with these seven qualities is worth associating with.”[i]
This is a beautiful description of any kind of friendship, no? Not just Dharma friendship! That passage is worth printing out and posting on your fridge or mirror. How many friendships do you have where you do a fair job of fulfilling this ideal?
Fundamentally, good friendship is based on goodwill. This means we sincerely wish for the well-being of the other person, unconditionally. This doesn’t mean we tolerate any kind of behavior toward us without complaining, but it means that in the big picture sense we want them to be free from suffering, truly happy, and at ease. Such an attitude is called, in Buddhism, “metta,” which is often translated as lovingkindness or goodwill, but also can be translated simply as “friendliness.” If we feel friendliness toward someone, we naturally feel compassion when they suffering, sympathetic joy when they are fortunate, and equanimity when the relationship with the person challenges our own preferences.
Good Dharma Friendships: Sharing and Keeping Confidences
I find it particularly touching that the Buddha says a good friend “reveals her secrets to you [and] keeps your secrets.” He doesn’t say a good friend solves your problems for you. He doesn’t say a good friend provides you with all the answers. All a good friend does is witness what is going on for you without judging, holding what you have shared with great care. That’s all that’s required. We naturally want to be seen and held – to reveal our fears, hopes, weaknesses, and struggles and be accepted, nonetheless. We want to know we are not alone in our experience. When our faith in ourselves falters, we hope beyond hope that maybe, just maybe, someone else has a little faith in us.
There is an important aspect of reciprocity in this “secret sharing” aspect of good Dharma friendship. This can be quite challenging for introverts or people with social anxiety! If one person in a relationship shares and is met with a knowing nod, or advice, from the other person but no reciprocal personal sharing, the open person is very likely to conclude that the silent person does not trust the relationship. I am a pretty recklessly self-revelatory person, but when I realize someone I’m talking to has said little or nothing about their own struggles, I’m very likely to restrict my sharing the next time we interact. I’m not saying this response is right, but it does seem natural. After all, I don’t want to bore or overburden someone who doesn’t feel intimate with me.
If you’re an introverted or socially anxious person, a personal Dharma friendship is a great place to start opening up. No one is perfect, and we all have a tendency to be self-involved, but the most important thing we share with our Dharma friends is a view of life as a path of practice. We understand that each person’s path is going to involve challenges. When we talk about our limitations and difficulties, we are exploring ways to practice with and transcend them, not simply complaining about them or looking for advice. We understand that each of us must find our own way on the path and advice is very rarely helpful. We have faith in each other; we may be struggling now, or may even express anger or bitterness, or demonstrate small-mindedness, but we’ll keep practicing and eventually figure things out. We don’t hold our worst moments against each other. As the Buddha said, “When you’re down & out, [a good friend] doesn’t look down on you.”
Good Dharma Friendships: When Misfortune Strikes
The Buddha also said that “When misfortunes strike, [a good friend] doesn’t abandon you.”
Many friendships in modern western cultures are relatively shallow relationships we maintain only as long as they are convenient, fun, or beneficial to us in some way. When we no longer work with or live near someone, the friendship often fizzles out. We regularly evaluate how much to prioritize spending time with someone by reflecting on how enjoyable our last encounter with them was. We’ve probably all been guilty of cultivating a friendship because of ulterior motives such as access to someone’s swimming pool or pickup truck, or the social advantage of being seen with someone who is attractive or popular. When we’re connected to someone through a shallow “friendship,” we readily abandon them when misfortune strikes them. Friendship with suffering people is generally not convenient or fun. Once someone loses their pool or attractiveness, our whole reason for maintaining a relationship with them may be gone.
Few friendships are committed, meaning we maintain the relationship no matter what, simply because we care deeply about the other person. If a friend we are committed to experiences hard times, this is potentially when the friendship can truly come alive and be tested. Although it can be difficult to stand by someone when they are, for example, mired in grief, suffering intense physical pain, or struggling with depression, it’s possible – in the long run – for greater intimacy to result from doing so.
What can we do for our Dharma friends when misfortune strikes them? Often, this is a very troubling question for people. There is rarely much we can – or should – do for a friend who is suffering or going through a rough time. This can make us feel powerless, frustrated, or guilty. When our friend’s difficulties drag on, it can be painful to watch them suffer. This is particularly true if we disagree with the way they are living their life. We may find ourselves avoiding them.
It’s valuable to reflect again on what the Buddha said: “When misfortunes strike, [a good friend] doesn’t abandon you.” He didn’t say a good friend fixes your problems. He didn’t say a good friend sacrifices their own relatively good fortune in order to suffer too. He simply said a good friend doesn’t abandon you. Think about how simple this act can be. Think about how incredibly important it would be to you, if you are the one experiencing misfortune, for a friend to indicate they have not abandoned you. Maybe this is just a phone call once a month, or once every six months. Maybe you can give more than that, and that’s wonderful, but the most important thing is simply to not abandon one another.
When we have faith that a Dharma friendship is reasonably committed, we can become more honest and open with our friend. We don’t have to keep up a façade of being fine all the time. We can confess things we’re working with while we’re still struggling with them, not just at a later date when we’ve figured everything out. The key to a healthy Dharma friendship, however, is to do our best to relate to our life as practice. We all need to complain and vent frustration or anger from time to time, but on the balance we strive to focus on choices we can make to alleviate suffering and respond more compassionately and skillfully. It’s exhausting and depressing to hear someone bemoan their awful situation over and over again without any discussion about how they are navigating the choices they have.
The whole point of practice is that we always have a choice, no matter what is going on. We can shift our attitude, let go of expectations, and cultivate joy in the simple things. It probably won’t make our problems go away, but it can make all the difference. If you are the one in difficulty, be honest with your Dharma friends but also remember that no matter your circumstances you can still support them by sharing your practice life, whatever that looks like in your situation.
If you are in great pain, your choices may seem very few, but they are there. For example, one of my dearest Dharma friends suffered from rheumatoid arthritis. In her last few years, she was in incredible pain and more or less housebound. One of her practices was the most profound manifestation of sympathetic joy I have ever encountered. She asked me about my Zen center, my podcast, and my garden. She sincerely delighted in my delight, even though almost all her favorite activities were no longer accessible to her. She didn’t do this to avoid talking about her pain; she spent some time being honest about that too. She was actually getting happiness from my happiness, in addition to helping me feel like she cared about me. I don’t know if I will be capable of the same kind of sympathetic joy when I am suffering someday, but it’s certainly my aspiration.
Good Dharma Friendships: Learning from Each Other
One final aspect of a good Dharma friendship I want to discuss is not something the Buddha mentioned in the Mitta Sutta: Learning from each other. Even if we have a wonderful Dharma teacher and study the words of the ancient masters, some of the most valuable things we learn about practice come from our friends and peers. Someone may express their own version of something you’ve heard the teacher say, but somehow, it’s your friend’s expression that finally makes sense to you. Watching your friend struggle with something and then make a breakthrough may inspire and inform you. A friend may create a practice for themselves, such as taking a deep inhalation and exhalation before answering the phone, or imagining “making friends” with their anger, which you also find very helpful.
Practice at its most basic is simply living deliberately, making whatever choices we can to relieve suffering and to cultivate contentment and wisdom. As we go about our daily lives, the forms this practice can take are infinite, depending on our life circumstances, relationships, and personalities. For example, mindfulness practice throughout the day looks very different for a mom with young kids versus a busy surgeon versus someone who is retired. The practice of generosity manifests differently for a Wall Street executive, a grocer, and someone bedridden with a terminal illness. In order to establish a consistent zazen practice one person may have to find a way to sit with physical pain, another may need to get clever about where and when they can grab a few moments of privacy, while another needs to give themselves permission to relax for a few minutes. The myriad manifestations of understanding and practice in people’s lives are fascinating.
Good Dharma friends don’t deliberately teach each other. Advice should be given sparingly, and only if explicitly asked for. Frankly, it should also be rarely, if ever, asked for. Good Dharma friends take responsibility for their own practice, respect each other’s capacity to find their own way, and simply seek to be supportive companions on the path. Inevitably, however, we influence each other. You know are lucky when you have a friend you respect and admire enough to be influenced by! Good Dharma friends are also very generous when it comes to anything they have said, figured out, or created – happy for anything helpful to copied, repeated, shared, adapted, or improved upon.
We also learn simply through the process of expressing our practice experience to our Dharma friends. It is no simple matter to verbally explore the nature of our existential angst, or to describe a momentary glimpse of the emptiness of a cup of tea. The effort to communicate often reveals to us where we still lack clarity or still harbor doubt. Discomfort or inhibition when expressing our innermost spiritual experiences is very informative, and a trusted Dharma friend is an ideal person with whom to practice doing this. There are many important conversations we can have with our Dharma friends that we can’t have with anyone else we know. For example, I remember having a conversation with some Dharma friends about the nature of zazen that grew so passionate and heated there were some tense moments. At the time, I marveled that I had the opportunity to be around people who cared so much about a practice that is central to my life.
Finding, Forming, and Maintaining Dharma Friendships
How do you find a Dharma friend if this kind of thing doesn’t come naturally to you? As I mentioned in the previous episode, personal Dharma friendships are usually based in the same kinds of affinities that our other friendships are, such as those arising from similar life circumstances or experience, age, gender, personality, or sense of humor. None of these superficial details matter much, though, if two people find each other interesting, and understand and trust one another fairly easily.
If you encounter someone in your Dharma circles who appeals to you as a possible personal Dharma friend, I encourage you to sincerely extend your hand in friendship. Many of us are inhibited when it comes to taking that first step, clearly revealing our interest by asking someone to coffee or a Zoom happy hour. Our social trauma may have come from unkind or abusive parents, the cruel rejection of childhood peers, or an experience of being bullied or ignored when growing up. Fortunately, I don’t know of any adults in Buddhist communities who are going to respond to a friendly invitation with ridicule, rejection, or cruelty! Even if someone isn’t particularly interested in cultivating a friendship with you at this time, they’re likely to take your interest as a compliment and be apologetic if they decline your invitation.
The attitude with which you offer friendship matters a great deal. Ideally, our friendliness and interest are something we offer sincerely and freely, without any expectations of getting something in return. Sure, we hope the other person is interested in us, or maybe even likes us, but ideally, we are not so self-centered that our positive feelings toward someone are instantly soured unless perfectly reciprocated.
Of course, if you perceive ambivalence in someone else, your enthusiasm for the relationship is likely to cool, but it’s difficult for mutual trust to develop if both people are on edge, watching for the faintest hint of rejection like a couple on their first romantic date. Ambivalence may end up transforming into sincere interest if at least one person in the relationship is able to maintain an open and sincere heart. For example, when I first met one of my dear Dharma sisters, over 20 years ago, I innocently assumed there was a strong mutual resonance and that it was obvious to the both of us that we were meant to be close friends. I only found out much later that my very introverted friend was rather surprised and even unnerved by my forwardness. If I had known this at the time, I probably would have backed off and we would never have developed the special Dharma friendship we have. I try to keep the story of this friendship in mind when I’m approaching new ones and offer my friendliness without defensiveness or stinginess, like a child once you have earned their trust. We have little to lose in doing so, and much to gain.
Once you have a Dharma friendship, how do you maintain it? To a large extent, the care and feeding of Dharma friendships is the same as that recommended for any other kind of friendship: Making time for each other, staying in touch, trying to be a good friend in all the ways discussed earlier in this episode. I have a few additional recommendations:
1. Expect a long-term Dharma friendship, like all human relationships, to have its ups and downs. At the very least there may be dry spells where the friendship doesn’t feel as exciting or rewarding as it has at other times. On the other end of the spectrum, we may end up feeling neglected, disappointed, or even betrayed by our friend. Most of the time such feelings are going to be based on fairly subtle things, not obviously cruel, abusive, or unethical behavior. Hopefully, you will be able to find the patience to stick with your friendship despite challenges. If you need to confront your friend about something, go ahead and do so, but if the matter has already been addressed or is something you can’t even really put into words, just keep offering your half of the friendliness and supportiveness in the relationship without expectations. This may be challenging if the friendship truly ends up unrewarding after a long time, but even then you might maintain it out of gratitude for the rewards it gave you early on.
2. Encourage your Dharma friend to keep practicing, but if they stop doing so, remember there is nothing you can do about it. As I described in my episode on Bodhicitta (Episode 260), the Way-Seeking Mind – the mind that drives us to practice – is something to be grateful for. We can nurture it when it is there, but we can’t force it to arise in ourselves or anyone else. Our Dharma friend’s Bodhicitta was once alive and well, obviously, but sometimes our Way-Seeking Mind dies back to just a seed hidden below the surface of the soil. Ironically, the withering of Bodhicitta is often the result either of very discouraging life circumstances or new, exciting, wonderful life circumstances. Even if our friend outwardly keeps practicing as a Buddhist, they may stop practicing in the more fundamental sense; they may stop looking for the choices they can make – no matter their circumstances – to alleviate suffering and respond more compassionately and skillfully. Especially if our friend is suffering, this can be very difficult to witness. This is when you have an opportunity to practice as a good friend as the Buddha described – enduring what is difficult to endure, and simply not abandoning. Still, such a Dharma friendship is unlikely to be very nourishing to you, so you may need to focus on other such friendships for that purpose.
3. Keep your Dharma friend in mind when you are going through difficulties, or when you gain a new insight, discover a fascinating new teaching, or become aware of another area of your practice where you need to learn and grow. You may forget how valuable and enjoyable it is to talk about these kinds of things with a Dharma friend. In addition, part of what makes your friendship richer is a sense of each other’s path over time, so it’s important to periodically check in with each other!
I get by with a little help from my friends! If you are particularly introverted or independent, you may end up experiencing most of this in group settings within Sangha (I hope!), but if you’re open to it, I encourage you to find Dharma friends.
Endnote
[i] “Mitta Sutta: A Friend” (AN 7.35), translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Access to Insight (BCBS Edition), 4 July 2010, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an07/an07.035.than.html .
